They say, “Look before you leap.” So look. But do not look for too long. Do not look into the void of uncertainty trying to predict each and every possible outcome, to evaluate every possible mistake, to prevent each possible failure. Look for the opportunity to leap, and leap faster than your fear can grab you. Leap before you talk yourself out of it, before you convince yourself to set up a temporary camp that turns into a permanent delay on your journey into your own heart.”
― Vironika Tugaleva
The grass always starts out a nice and shiny green but will begin to wear a bit with use. Then, it still needs to be maintained in order to stay a nice shade of green. The dulled green (or even brown) grass on our current side of the fence would be greener if we focus enough to nurture it. The shiny green grass on the other side of the fence is our wish for our internal selves — to be happy, unscathed, and fully satisfied. The truth is, as human beings, we are all in some ways less than perfect, and therefore, the shiny grass is an illusion. Our job is to keep the grass as green as possible, which may take some outside help. But no matter what, it won’t remain as green as the moment we first set foot on it.
The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. No, not at all. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered, nurtured and growing. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you are.
Vulnerability is often mocked in contemporary society and yet it is not weakness. Instead, it is the willingness to drop the facade to experience your feelings and life happenings at every part of your being.
If I were a poet or a film maker, people who worked in the middle of the night. That’s what I would write about. Men who loaded trains, emergency room nurses with their gentle hands. Night clerks in hotels, cabdrivers, prostitutes, waitresses in all-night coffee shops. They knew the world, how precious it was when a person remembered their name, the comfort of a rhetorical question, “How’s it going, how’s the kids?” They knew how long the night was. They knew the sound life made as it left. Night workers lived without illusions, they wiped dreams off counters, they loaded freight. They could appreciate the world differently.
I like thinking. I like feeling the gears of my brain intensify. But if I think about things that don’t necessarily matter, am I the fool?
Whenever people call me weird or strange or things along those lines, my reply is always “you’re goddamn right” or something similar sounding. I accepted that I was a geek for certain things and that made me different, and I became proud of it. I knew what I liked. I knew what made me happy and how I had fun. So go on, be a weirdo. If that is synonymous with being yourself, don’t ever feel shame for it.
You say you have a reservoir of love and care and yet nowhere to put it, but my question would be, why would you want to pour it away into anything else? That love and care is precious (as I’m sure you well know), and you should first be using it to keep yourself feeling nourished and inspired and cherished. The world outside won’t always be able to provide you with the kind of warmth and intimacy you may desire, so it’s important to have an inner source of love and hope to sustain you and empower you to lead an active and joyful life of your own choosing.
To be sure, it is crushing and very hard to bear when you feel like you’ve given your everything to something or someone, only to have them leave and not look back for the most part. I think most of us can relate to that. I do. But it is also important to start recognising the reasons for that kind of cycle, and to figure out what you can actually do to turn it into a positive, upward spiral.
I think it’s wonderful that you have such an immense capacity for feeling, but it is really important to be able to manage it and channel it in ways that are productive and helpful, both to you and others. Otherwise, it can become too easy to use the excuse of having overwhelming feelings to push your own agenda of wanting to be loved on other people, which will unfairly put them under a lot of pressure and possibly even drive them away.
I think over time and with some practice, you will get to reach a calmer, more peaceful space within yourself, where love and affection are felt as a deep and tranquil current rather than with all the battering forces of a tsunami.
Remember, the capacity to feel is an ability, and like all abilities, it will need to be trained and developed if you want to gain the most out of it and do the least harm by it.
Wishing you well and good luck in all things. Lots of love.