There is something so deeply rooted in me that terrifies me. It’s my ability to love and hold on and to find even the smallest ray of light in a very dark place, but also my terrifying ability to shut down all interactions and become so focused on myself, my growth, my happiness. It’s become both a blessing and a curse. It has allowed me to love so hard on so many people who didn’t know what love was, it has kept me going on even the worst of days. But oh man, how it destroys me when I love the wrong people or when I fight for people who are not yet ready to be fought for. So here I am once again after being shut off for so long, not even close to loving them, but wanting the opportunity to try to, but they’re not ready. So in an effort to not completely shut off my humanity I’ve begun diving into other people in preparation for the knowledge that I will never get to know them how I would like to. How do I warn them? How do I tell them I’m somewhere between holding on so tight to becoming who I am meant to be with no distractions and trying to find a way to let my fingertips graze and grasp all that they are without suffocating them in the process?
And is it possible? For two people living separate lives to take the time to get their shit together and come together? Can two lines intertwine in time?
When you know that “love” is all just a bunch of chemicals, neurotransmitters and brain science, and all these chemicals can be stimulated and manufactured, it’s not that much of a mystery anymore, isnt it?
Then again, I think it’s easy to know the technicality of it but it really does it no justice. Love is an abstract force that can be the cause of joy and suffering simultaneously. It’s so much more than a warm feeling or experience of comfort.
I suppose the answer is patience.