Two Lines

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There is something so deeply rooted in me that terrifies me. It’s my ability to love and hold on and to find even the smallest ray of light in a very dark place, but also my terrifying ability to shut down all interactions and become so focused on myself, my growth, my happiness. It’s become both a blessing and a curse. It has allowed me to love so hard on so many people who didn’t know what love was, it has kept me going on even the worst of days. But oh man how it destroys me when I love the wrong people or when I fight for people who are not yet ready to be fought for. So here I am once again after being shut off for so long, not even close to loving them, but wanting the opportunity to try to, but they’re not ready. So in an effort to not completely shut off my humanity I’ve begun diving into other people in preparation for the knowledge that I will never get to know them how I would like to. How do I warn them? How do I tell them I’m somewhere between holding on so tight to becoming who I am meant to be with no distractions and trying to find a way to let my fingertips graze and grasp all that they are without suffocating them in the process?

And is it possible? For two people living separate lives to take the time to get their shit together and come together? Can two lines intertwine in time?

When you know that “love” is all just a bunch of chemicals, neurotransmitters and brain science, and all these chemicals can be stimulated and manufactured, it’s not that much of a mystery anymore, isnt it?

Humano

 

I came across this wonderful and profoundly beautiful documentary about a man, seeking enlightenment by travelling to the Andes to experience and understand the complexities of life through an ancient school of philosophy. He contemplates the origin of man and the reason of his existence through an insightful teacher.

It made me realise a lot of things and hit me like a wave of awakening. I am a sucker for documentaries like that and I believe every good film’s essence is a real story, a moral lesson. The film focuses on personal discoveries and the search for identity from the point of view of Incan traditions. It also deals with ancestral teachings from the region that promote a better understanding of the nature of things.

What I learnt from the film is that, first of all, we are never separated from nature. It is our body, our vessel, and to hurt our planet is to hurt ourselves. That being said, we are here as a result of a magical spiralling of evolution, DNA and variety. It is to say, everything we are going through now, in every part of the globe, is exactly where we are supposed to be.

Do not let setbacks hit you. Things falter because you pushed them to misalign with where it needs to be. Things falter because you used yourself, your beliefs and ideals to manipulate them into your selfish alignments. I relate to this with my experiences in relationships — Nothing needs to be pushed. Nobody needs to fit their shoes like you wanted them to.

A misconception that entails in human relationships, especially romantic ones, are that we have to constantly enslave ourselves into an ideal bubble. Things have to spiral willingly, unfathomably, I think then, is true evidence of a magical connection. To show love, it doesn’t have to be a series of terms and conditions, but freedom and willingness. And respecting that itself, is an act of love, an act of kindness.

And I would gladly take that in a heartbeat over anything else. Most importantly, be selfless. I think love is an act of selflessness, never selfish. You welcome someone to walk a journey with you, if none of it is an act of willingness, what’s the point? We always want answers, yet life is not supposed to be a finished book. Life is supposed to be lived and the truth is often ugly. To win, is about conquering those ugly truths as a way of the world guiding you, teaching you and most importantly, loving you and the ones you love most.

I do not want to be an uprising force, I want to be gentle and kind, to give people time and respect their needs. I think thats the closest to love, to loving them, is to respect their desires and boundaries. Doing so, steers me back to loving myself and giving back to our planet. Because remember, nature is your driving force, do not try to oppose it. Most importantly, never need somebody to validate your greatness. It is something your subconscious would know and you will believe in it.

“Perhaps you should allow yourself the fantasy that you’re not your social security number, your job, your name but that you’re 18.8 billion years old and you’re part of this incredible ocean of happening instead of just this one individual. Embrace the glorious knowledge that you’re part of never ending, ever flowing matter.”

–Duncan Trussell

Carl Sagan: This Pixel

 

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Lee Ufan, From Point, 1976.
The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

Writing is my therapy, my safe place. Born brimming with galaxies inside me, I could never adequately communicate my internal depths, but with my pen, every world I knew so intimately finally lived. I continue to seek inspirations, in all areas of my life, creative and personal, from little six year old me: beaming, though all alone, at the writing center in kindergarten, perfectly content to have an outlet of expression. I write every day for that sweet child I was, who I’m striving to be more like every day. She had more purpose in her pen than most people will know in their entire lives.

3 Dimensional Frustration

 

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From All Sides: Tansaekhwa on Abstraction, 2014.

I see everything, all sides, all facets, everything all at once, and, because of this, I feel I can never truly participate, I am always an outsider, my opinion is never truly welcomed, because I see it all before it unfolds, I see both inner and outer and all of the masks before a word is even spoken, I sense the shifts in tone, in energy, in the way you stumble on a certain word or vowel sound. I am a sleuth who never asked for the job who cannot help but see clues rising up before me, screaming in my ears, dancing on my tongue, tingling on my skin. I stand on the precipice of society because it’s better for us all. If you knew what I know, you wouldn’t want me around, telling you inconvenient truths, storing up your secrets, my mind an unrelenting trap of information. I did not ask for this unforgiving gift, but neither did anyone else, so I stay silent, I slink away back into the black of lonely where I learned to live and to be and to understand why it is better this way. I am not cold. I am kind. And that is why I let you think whatever you want about me. I know the truth. I know who I am. And who you are, and who she is, and him, and so forth. And I know you could not bear the burden of it. I carry the world.

The beauty in the breakdown is the resolution to get up and keep persisting and to try again knowing the intimate realities of pain, of suffering, of failure because something even greater awaits; the beauty is strength: may we recognise it, may we celebrate it, may we preserve because of it. And though we may break over and over again, we are always whole.

 

I hate looking people in the eyes. I have been so devastated for so long, that nobody can hide their pain from me. Even through the most flawless smiles, most innocent jokes, toughest acts, I see the pain behind everyone’s actions. Since I see all this, I feel responsible for it in a way; you should always help, when you see someone in need. But I can’t save the whole world. I can only hope, that other people learn to see same things that I see, and everyone took care of someone. It breaks my heart to see so many suffering souls around me. And I just need to learn how to become cold enough to live with the fact, that there is nothing I can do about it. Or get crushed by the weight of seven billion broken hearts.

Do not build homes out of people. People are not buildings. Regrettably, you will find yourself homesick. The taste of homesickness will invade the tip of your tongue and you will feel the gulp of sadness flowing through your throat. You will find the sadness storming, and the earthquakes shaking your heart–you will be weary. People are not meant to be homes; you cannot own them nor can you renovate them to be whatever you want or need according to your changing expectations.

However, you can find a home in people, and people can feel like home. These people bring the warmth and comfort a home provides; they ease warmth into your heart. Home was not just a place, it was a feeling–the feeling of amenity. You find yourself comfortable around them, and you feel as if you were home. They were like home to you.

That’s the thing with me, people always come up to me damaged, and I have grown so used to saving them. I really do hope to be saved one day, too. We live in different worlds. My reality’s not the same as yours. Isn’t it crazy on how many different levels people live? Who we are and how we see and treat the things around us shapes our world. Therefore, we all live in separated worlds, side by side with the ones we love and the ones we hate and sometimes, when we’re lucky, they get to see a part of what defines us. It’s crazy, we all live on the same planet yet everyone experiences it differently.