Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?

tumblr_o0cn31nJmf1slzjjqo1_500

 

In our media-saturated world, we are constantly bombarded by advertisements, film portrayals and imageries of romance, where two people stare at each other, embracing hugs and kisses, gazes each other in the eyes and stargazes into the dark abyss.

Yes, how beautiful, how romantic.

We enter relationships hung up on the idea of love more so than the person themselves. It is a tragedy many of us have been through, yet its completely natural and normal as we grew up with this certain preconceived notion of how romance should be, and that if you aren’t in a relationship, you are lacking something. You are not ‘normal’. You are not a great person enough for people to want to be with you, for the sweet love of Jesus, for eternity.

I call that bullshit.

My idea of a relationship, after a few ones that ended, is that, I don’t necessarily NEED that type of emotional assurance. Initial stages of dating, that seduction, that flirtatious fun and humour, creative exchange of witty banters and sarcasm, is all fabulous and AMAZING, that’s the initial attraction level anyway. But what really is important to me, in order to have a full-fledged successful functioning long term relationship, is someone who can feel like home to me, yet we don’t make homes out of one another.

Somebody who can support my dreams, aspirations and respects me enough to be able to allow me to live myself truthfully, challenges me, gives me thought-provoking mental stimulation, guidance while mutually benefitting each other to grow and be the best versions of ourselves. To be there, simply because they are and are willing to help me with my problems, while I unconditionally want to help them with theirs. Together, we will achieve so much more.

Why do we enter relationships anyway? I do love the intimacy and tenderness, whether it be a physical proximity, sex, yet entering relationships solely for companionship does not work for me.

Maybe partly because I am a single child, I have long since learnt how to enjoy my solitude and have fully accepted it. My independence has shaped me and grounded me into who I am today, in doing the things I do, and being the way I am.

I previously had a conversation with someone I’ve been casually seeing which left me with a realisation I didn’t realise I have. Being truthfully honest, I realise even doing “cute romantic things” and acting it out in a certain way to me, feels unnatural. It feels like I am acting out scenes of sappy romantic movies that feels awfully scripted. That is not to say I can’t love or I am emotionless. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am everything but emotionless. I have profound emotions dwelling within the recesses of my mind 24/7. I just have a harder time expressing it and I simply have other ways of showing my love. Through acts of service, quality time, physical touch and presence. I find it more difficult to talk about my deepest personal feelings. It takes a lot and a special some one to be able to lure it out of my mouth.

Therefore, a relationship ultimately deemed worthy of pursuing is perhaps one that seemed more realistic and objective. I have never used the word ‘objective’ to describe a relationship, but it just made so much sense to me. The romantic emotional side of relationships are important and fun, not to dismiss them, they are necessary. Yet if we only chase that idea of those qualities in a long-term functioning relationship, it will not be able to work. Because feelings come and go, how are you never bored of someone? Can you say for sure? We only realise it when we know the relationship is bound to end and naturally bound to throw ourselves into the wells of heartbreaks, anger and hatred.

Only if we all take the time to truly think and ask ourselves what exactly do we want in a relationship. Is it love or emotional dependancy?

I would like a partner in crime. I would like someone to hate people together and to love them just as much. But we are completely separate individuals. No one really belongs to anyone. People are not objects.

 

Advertisements

Empire

 

c62a05fb-220e-4a33-a925-a8948aee62fb

 

We spend so much of our 20’s looking for the one. We are stuck at that age where half of our friends are engaged or married, some with children; the other half is drunk off their ass 90% of the time and never made it past their second semester of university. We find this compelling need to compare ourselves to everyone around us, “Oh at least I’m doing better than her,” and “Fuck. She’s about to be a doctor and I am not sure what I want to be.” We have to swipe left endlessly looking for what we want.

I’ll tell you what you want, it’s to be happy.

At some point I woke up and realized I’m living life for myself and not others. I welcome their criticism but learned to filter out when it was helpful versus unnecessary. I was looking for the one, and I found her. It’s me. I’m the one. But when I find someone else who can be my plus one to everything I’ve already given myself, I’ll be ready because I won’t expect them to give me all the love in the world. To always pick me up when I fall. I will not rely heavily on them because I know I’ve already done it for myself and deeply rooted myself in those capabilities. Whoever comes along will hopefully have done that for themselves and instead of 2 trees in a yard we can create a jungle that radiates so much life everything comes to live within us. You see I was born a queen with a throne, now I’m learning to make an empire.

And for you? I hope you find whatever your happiness is to be able to do the same. To be a source of life.

Two Lines

 

tumblr_inline_mjvjn3KKyW1r6m6w0

 

There is something so deeply rooted in me that terrifies me. It’s my ability to love and hold on and to find even the smallest ray of light in a very dark place, but also my terrifying ability to shut down all interactions and become so focused on myself, my growth, my happiness. It’s become both a blessing and a curse. It has allowed me to love so hard on so many people who didn’t know what love was, it has kept me going on even the worst of days. But oh man, how it destroys me when I love the wrong people or when I fight for people who are not yet ready to be fought for. So here I am once again after being shut off for so long, not even close to loving them, but wanting the opportunity to try to, but they’re not ready. So in an effort to not completely shut off my humanity I’ve begun diving into other people in preparation for the knowledge that I will never get to know them how I would like to. How do I warn them? How do I tell them I’m somewhere between holding on so tight to becoming who I am meant to be with no distractions and trying to find a way to let my fingertips graze and grasp all that they are without suffocating them in the process?

And is it possible? For two people living separate lives to take the time to get their shit together and come together? Can two lines intertwine in time?

When you know that “love” is all just a bunch of chemicals, neurotransmitters and brain science, and all these chemicals can be stimulated and manufactured, it’s not that much of a mystery anymore, isnt it?

Then again, I think it’s easy to know the technicality of it but it really does it no justice. Love is an abstract force that can be the cause of joy and suffering simultaneously. It’s so much more than a warm feeling or experience of comfort.

I suppose the answer is patience.

“Perhaps you should allow yourself the fantasy that you’re not your social security number, your job, your name but that you’re 18.8 billion years old and you’re part of this incredible ocean of happening instead of just this one individual. Embrace the glorious knowledge that you’re part of never ending, ever flowing matter.”

–Duncan Trussell

Carl Sagan: This Pixel

 

Screen Shot 2017-04-28 at 11.14.34 PM
Lee Ufan, From Point, 1976.

The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.

Writing is my therapy, my safe place. Born brimming with galaxies inside me, I could never adequately communicate my internal depths, but with my pen, every world I knew so intimately finally lived. I continue to seek inspirations, in all areas of my life, creative and personal, from little six year old me: beaming, though all alone, at the writing center in kindergarten, perfectly content to have an outlet of expression. I write every day for that sweet child I was, who I’m striving to be more like every day. She had more purpose in her pen than most people will know in their entire lives.